The FILMFAIL Awards 2009

Filmfail is back! And back with a bang as they say. And we are back to celebrate year 2009. 2009, a year which wasn’t really the best for Hindi cinema with very few good releases – which, gives us all the more reason to celebrate

So, lets get the show started

Keeping up with the tradition let us start with the Technical awards

First up in this category is

Best Story –

Nominations are:
Delhi-6 (research is still on as to what the story actually was, but we still give a nomination for the effort)
Chandni Chowk to China (Seeta aur Geeta, Ram aur Shyam and now Sakhi and Suzy)
Aa dekhen zara (a unique story about a unique camera that can capture the future – sad they didn’t use the same camera to see their own future, but still, we appreciate the effort )
Raaz – the mystery continues (the story is still a mystery to me)
Kambakkt Ishq (Supermodel cum doctor! And people say heart attacks have increased!)

And the winner is

Blue
On the way from Europe to India by sea, the ship goes through Bahamas. Period.

Next we have

Best Editing –

The award for Best Editing goes to -

What’s your rashee.
No, no, don’t be mistaken. It is not for the actual editor of the movie, it is for the guy who posted the pirated version of the movie which I watched (yes, I admit it), which was just 2 and a half hours, which was devoid of all the songs and which made the movie bearable.

Coming up next is the award for

Best Choreography –

Naam mera Mango Dolly – Quick gun Murugun.
I mean I loved the movie but to see a busty oversized Rambha sizzle was something I didn’t ask for.

Up next is the award for

Best make up –

And the winner is

Dil bole hadippa
Did you know that the skinny Punjabi guy Veer was actually Rani Mukherji?! I didn’t know that!

Let us now move on to the Music Awards

Since we didn’t have a Best Playback Singer Female category last year, many women’s association raised an objection. So this time we will felicitate only female singers.

Best Playback singer Female –

So, the winner for Best Playback Singer Female is

Alisha Chinai (Bebo mein bebo from Kambakkht Ishq)
I don’t think I need to give an explanation why she gets the award. If you do need one, then please listen to the song once.

Best Lyricist –

The winner is –

Subrat Sinha for Mann ka radio bajne de zara (Radio)

Mann ka radio bajne de zara
Gham ko bhoolkar jee le tu zara
Station koi naya tune karle zara
Fultu attitude de de tu zara

And to top it, it’s in the voice of the wone and wonely Himesh!

Best Music Director –

And the award goes to -

Anu Malik (Kambakkt Ishq)
He comes back after years and years of squalling on the so called upcoming idols of the country and delivers this! I never in my life thought I would say this, but dude, you are better off on TV. (Pun intended)

Lets now move on and welcome new talent.

Most Promising Debutant Male –

Not many new comers did the promising part in the year 2009. However there were a couple of them who promised and promised a LOT! The award for most promising debutant male goes to

Jackey Bhagnani (Kal kisne dekha)

I mean, let’s have a look at the promises. Son of a big shot producer. Widely promoted by the likes of SRK and Abhishek Bachchan. Touted as the teenage dancing sensation. A film that even started with the famed letter ‘K’. A college romance cum action thriller. Shot in beautiful locales. What more promises would you need? Talent? What’s that?!

Most Promising Debutant Female –

And the winner is –

Rani Mukherjee! Don’t be shocked, but then she deserves a new comer award as she came back with a new kamar Ok bad joke I agree, but I’d say, see the movie Dil bole hadippa first, you might actually find my joke funny!

Jokes apart, the award for most promising debutant female goes to

Nausheen Ali Sardar

Haven’t heard of her? She starred in the movie ‘Three- Love, Lies and Betrayal’. Haven’t heard of that either? Well, that’s why she deserves the award

Unfortunately this year we don’t have the category of Best actor in a comic role/negative role cos nobody was as negative or as comic or comically negative to be rewarded.

Anyway, not to be let down by that, let us move on to the next category which is

Best supporting actor (Male/Female)–

We really don’t have a separate award for supporting actor female (women’s federation can take a chill pill) because there is one man who stands out completely.

So the award for Best Supporting Actor goes to

Sohail Khan

This guy is something else man. Every single movie he has acted in the past couple of years has been a supporting role. I say he should be declared as the official supporting actor of Bollywood!

Before we move on to the main section of awards, we have a special award. An award for a person who has made an outstanding contribution to Hindi Cinema. Ladies and gentlemen, next up is the

Lifetime achievement award –

Without much ado, the award goes to

Akshay Kumar

Four BIG budget releases in one year. Two of them touted to bridge the gap between Bollywood and Hollywood. The third, one of the costliest films ever made in Bollywood.
All four of them were considered among the dumbest stories ever! All four of them turned out to be few of the biggest flops of the year. The fifth one, was directed by one of the most noted directors in Hindi Cinema. And needless to say even that movie went for a toss. It is not easy to achieve such a feat in a single year. It makes Kumar all the more worthy of the Lifetime Achievement award. He has had enough flops in a year to last a lifetime.

And now, its time for the main section of awards

First up is the award for

Best director –

The nominations are

Anthony D’souza (Blue)
Rumi Jafrey (Life Partner)
Soham Shah (Luck)
Nikhil Advani (Chandni Chowk to China)
Anurag Singh (Dil bole hadippa)

And the winner is

Sabir Khan (Kambakkht Ishq)

I have a very small message for you Mr. Khan. Next time, whenever in you life you dare to attempt making a movie again, please do consider keeping a story in mind. Trust me, a lot of stories have made wonders. You really don’t need a Sylvester Stallone or Denise Richards or a bikini clad Kareena Kapoor to make the movie run. Certainly not 100 crores.

Next we have the award for

Best film –

Nominations are

Agyaat (the story of the movie is quite true to its name – missing)
Dil bole hadippa (a perfect example of ‘An empty mind is a devil’s workshop’. With lack of money and ideas, this is the max Yashraj could have come up with)
Vaada raha (What? Haven’t heard of the movie? Welcome to filmfail!)
Do knot disturb (a “comedy” about a husband trying to hide his extra marital affairs from his shak se bhari wife – very unusual story, very filmfaily)
Chandni Chowk to China (first hindi film by Warner Bros Pictures. What a pity.)
London Dreams (would have been a major hit if it was made in the 90’s. Bad timing is all I can say)

And the award goes to

Kambakkht Ishq

Similar message as above to the producers. Pleease, for heavens sake, stop bringing Hollywood to Bollywood through such movies. Its high time we saw some maturity in the way we look at cinema.

Coming up the award for the

Best actress –

Well, we don’t have any nominations in this category. There is a straight winner. And it is

Deepika Padukone for Love Aaj Kal

With blank expressions and mugged lines, she has the capability to make any interesting/humorous scene look bland. She pretty well succeeded in it also.

And now, we have the award for

Best actor –

Nominations are:

Akshay Kumar (of course)
Sanjay Dutt (Blue)
Govinda (Life Partner, Do Knot Disturb)

And the winner is

Ajay Devgan for London Dreams

He plays a “rockstar” in the movie!! A rockstar who swirls one hand pointing in the air and jumping from one leg to another singing Barso barso yaaro. I mean, not that he can’t be a rockstar but seriously he did not look like one in the movie. He looked more rockstarry in All the Best.

We have a couple of special awards. A recognition of special talent hidden in the industry. When we look at the grass root level we see that there are so many things worth mentioning but they don’t get their due in the larger scheme of things. However, we at filmfail have always looked for those things and reward them.

The first award in this section is

Best dialogue –

Yea, we have handpicked one particular dialogue out of all the movies of 2009 that really stood out and made a difference.

And the award goes to

What’s your relationship status? It’s complicated. (Radio)

We have a chubby smiling Shehnaaz with battling eye lashes who in a very blondie-ish way quacks, ‘What’s your relationship status?’ And almost immediately, as if in a pre-rehearsed way Himesh turns and replied ‘Its complicated’. AND the producers actually thought, actually thought that they could promote the movie on this line!

Bravery award –

He was last heard in Heyy Baby (2007). After that one really doesn’t remember the movies he made in 2008. In 2009, he had FOUR releases! Yea, if you don’t believe it here’s the list – Jai Veeru, Life Partner, Acid Factory and All the best. If you still haven’t got whom I am talking about, its Fardeen Khan. Remember? It really needs a lot of gut to actually face the camera even though people say on the face that they don’t wanna see you anymore.

Therefore, the Bravery Award goes to –
No not Fardeen Khan but to the filmmakers who actually cast him in their movie! For taking such a risk, you really need to be brave!

Best cameo award –

The award goes to

Irrfan Khan (Billu)

If some of you are still wondering, yes he was a part of the movie. In fact he was the lead and SRK was just a supporting actor (shocking, I know!) He gets this award for being conspicuously absent from the promos. That was quite a cameo.

Best comeback award –

The winner is

Viveik oberoi for Kurbaan
After a dud in 2008 (Mission Istanbul) he came back in 2009 with Kurbaan. And he came back with a very fake anglicized accent. And that, was the most irritating part of the movie.

Best Controversy award –

The nominations for best Controversy award are –
Ashutosh Gowarikar – for bashing up the hosts in an award ceremony for making fun of people from the industry (and the award ceremony I m talking about was not filmfail, just for the record)

Ashutosh Gowarikar – again, for questioning the jury’s decision, in yet another award ceremony (YAAC) for giving the best actress award to Priyanka Chopra when Aishwarya Rai was nominated (for Jodha Akbar)

Kareena Kapoor – for announcing in YAAC that she was hurt Imtiaz Ali did not cast her again in his next movie

Saif Ali Khan – for saying that he was initially offered Kaminey by Vishal Baradwaj and he rejected the offer and later admitting that he had lied!

Akshay Kumar – (how many nominations for this guy!) for making his wife unbutton his pants on the ramp in front of the public eye and hoards and hoards of media ppl!

Shiney Ahuja - for the infamous and now almost forgetten rape case

And the award goes to

Rakhi Sawant!

And she gets this award cos, apart from her swayamwar on TV and the on-off between she and her fiancée she wasn’t really a part of any controversy. That’s an achievement man! So she gets the award. She needs to change her PR big time. Not in news for a long time could be dangerous to her health

And with this, we come to the end of the show. Hope you all had a good time, cos we did. See you guys in 2010. Till then good bye and take care